Still Searching

hmmm.. strange tat i here totally without you...

its been 1 week since we last met... the last eating together... the last i saw your face... the last i feel comfortable wen i'm with you... the last i really plead for you... the last i cried for you... the last i hear those sweet words... the last of my happy moment with you...

its been 3 days since i last chat with you... last i talked to you... the last i know that you are still alrite... the last i think of you lovely.. the last i can even be proud to have you... the last i find my life is totally nthing without you... totally cant live without you...

but now, i gues i've slowly move on with life... slowly i open up my heart to life but not love... slowly i accept people as who they are... slowly i open my eyes to the truth... slowly i find happiness on my own... slowly i filled up my life with people ard me...

though it totally hard for me to move jus like that... leaving all the memories behind... wave them goodbye... making my last step in the world of called full of love...

i live my life jus like yours... exactly the same like how u live your life... except that i haven really make myself close to god... but at least i'm trying rite now... wat they said was rite... to change life you got to sacrifice a lot of things... n now i gues i'm sacrificing my past... my frens.. my time... my thoughts.. my feelings.. my everything...

my belief is still strong... my love for you is still the same... jus that i change my way in life... i shut my ears wen ppl nag or talk abt you... i watch wat i say abt you... i close the door to others...

in a way i find it suffering, but it all worth while... i'm still searching for a place where i can really name it after me... a place where i can really find happiness again.. a place where i've been dreaming for all this while...

how i wish i never miss you so bad... how i wish i never lvoe you so much... or even fall for you so deeply... not to say that i regret being with you... but the situation make me suffer everyday...

everyday i wish that you would be alrite... wish that he will open up your eyes n heart... make you see the world as wat it is.. make you feel the love that was all around you all this while...

i realise that there's alot of ppl who still love us.. who still hope for us... who still wish that we could be back again... i'm jus thankful to have them by my side... letting me noe that everything is alrite.. giving me the confidence in proceeding life... giving me the support that i need all this while...

though i miss having a tender loving care from sumone i would die for.. i miss the person the lights up my life with his present.. miss everything that i once had... miss seeing him standing rite in front of my eyes... miss his laughter... miss him singing his favourite song which i think that he sing it for me... miss everything... but luckily, ppl jus make me love him even more...

like i once said, the more i miss you, i hate you, the more i love you... n now the more you drift far away from me, the more i feel like coming closer to you... but its jus that time dun allow me to do so...

in Mind

me n my stupid promises n my bullshit thinking ruin everything for my future... but actually it help me alot... by me keep on thinking abt him.. talking abt him to others, i chased them away... though there's still some stubborn guys out there who die2 want to be with me.. eventhough they r much younger or older than me... but too bad, my answer will still be a NO!!!

they jus couldnt understand my situation... i told them that i'm still upset with the decision made... i need to be alone.. but they insist of me being with them.. convincing me that they r the one... yah keep on convincing... keep on manupilating me.. keep on saying I LOVE YOU... I WANT To BE WITH YOU.... it mean nothing to me... my heart will still be with him...

though he said the final answer but i still want him to keep the key to my heart... i dun dare to give it to others... to be frank, i'm much comfortable with him..jus HIM... NAS alone...

i dun care wat ppl going to say... ppl say i'm stupid la... i'm selfish or wat so ever... wat ppl say that i'm stupid for not trying other dicks... which r much better... not having to try other guys for more pleasure n satisfaction...

But do sex really matter to me?... NO!!! i'm satisfide with wateva that i once had... though it didnt really pleassure me most of the time.. but at least i didnt fuck all around... i fucked with only one guy... ONE!!! hei... lets make it fair...

I told him not to fuck with other girls if he really want to be with me... same goes to me... if i really want to be with him, i need to come clean... i'm not suppose to fuck with other guys too...

yah me saying this coz, lots of guys out there, who jus noe me... want ask me out n want to have it all with me... eeeeeiiii!!!! NEVER!!! thats y till now i never meet up with guys... phobia dok!!! i might be talking to them over the phone.. being so sweet... but meeting up?... NO...

so nas, if you think that i can simply be with other guys.. n simply think that i can forget you even when i'm with other guys... UR TOTALLY WRONG...

though u told me to move on... told me to forget abt you.. told me to be out of ur life... but sad to say, i will not... i might be keeping myself away from you... restrict myself from being close to you... but that doesnt mean i never love you... i never remember you... i never treasure you like a precious diamond... PUT THAT IN MIND......

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same

All the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby and
I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and
I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me.

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done.
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me

I felt better

though it still hurt me to noe that we r no longer going to be as close as before... i gues i'm still lucky to jus have him at least msg me via hp or msn... at first i thot that he wont even want to talk to me after wat happen last nite... hei that was jus not me siak!!!

"jgn pergi nas!!! tak mau nas!!! tau mau pergi dari hidup i nas!!! jgn pergi!!!"
"i tak gi mane la... i masih kat sini.... "

comforting rite... he's letting me noe that he is still alive n he is still there... no this is not hope... i dun take that as hope... coz it mean nothing... he's jus comforting me for that moment in time... hehehe... i bet he also dunno wat to do... indecisive...

i dunno...i seem to slowly adapt to the surrounding n faking my life thru... still planning on wat to do... n not noeing where to start... yah today i start of with a unwilling job... actually i have to work for this two days... but emergency off... coz i need time to rest... yes partly due to him... crying to sleep... n surprising me, i keep on mentioning abt him n at the same time keep my mind thinking on wat to do next... wierd huh...

i'm envy the couple in the movie... sometimes wonder y i cant be like those girls... y cant he be like those guys... whereby they fall in love in high school... apart after graduation.. n finally search for each other again... den happily married.. basicly thats true love... wel me n him love life story where jus like the movie... fall in love in high school... be together for several years... fighting... crying... laughing... joking.. smiling... arguing... quarelling... winning... losing.. comforting... all that ends with the -ing -ing -ing.... n now we drift apart for the moment... so soon we'll search for each other... n maybe if its really true love, we be together eternally... i dun dare to say forever.. coz forever means never...

n i supposed wat he said was rite.. if i can survive waiting for 4 years... y cant i survive for next few years... but i'm not pretty sure i can lift myself up again to win this battle... i think i can... common sri strong!! hehehe... never mind, i'm willing to wait silently... i'm willing to sacrifice more thing jus for us... like i told him.. i dun have any more energy for myself... but forever there energy for us... so having me to silently waiting... slowly i'll find him back... by then i gues both have grown up... already an adult... n both have matured way of thinking...

i learned new thingy... LOVE IS A BATTLE FIELD... in a battle field, there's winning n losing... if you win, then thats your luck... if you lose, you got to keep on trying to achieve the winning status... at tis moment i'm already losing.. soon i'll win again.. i can bet you... life must have confident in wat you do...

so now i have to live like there's no tomolo... keep on struggling.. .keep on pushing myself thru life... i noe its hard to push him aside... but dun worry.. he will still be in my mind n heart... eternally... like i say jus lucky that he still out there sumwhere... nvm... i'm jus thankful for that...

oh yah i noe i let him noe this already... but i want to say it again... THX FOR EVERY SINGLE THING... i appreciate it... i'll keep on breathing your name... i'll keep on missing you wen my tears drop... i'll keep on loving you till my last breathe... i promise you that...

It cant be!!!!!!

its hard for me to accept the fact that it all have to end... it hurt me so bad... poison my mind... pierce my heart... dumb my ears... swollen my eyes...

till now i dunno wat to do... to move on or jus stay as wat i am rite now... or maybe even worst... i simply lost everything.. i lost my self.. i lost my happiness.. i lost my love... i lost the person that i wish he could be mine eternally... i lost everything... how i wish i could never meet up with him yesterday... how i wish we would never go out for treat after the fight.. how i wish i could jus carry on wat we used to be... how i wish i could never bring up the topic again yesterday... how i wish i dun have to be like this..

i love him with all my heart... i care for him... i adore him... but he choose to leave... totally pierce thru my heart... OUCH!!! i almost go insane ... i begged... i pleaded... i forced... i cried... i shouted.. i called his name... but still he dun want to change his mind... i dun want him to go.. i dun want him to leave like this.. i need him.. i want everything back.. i want my happiness back.. i want my misery yet meaningful life... i miss all that... i miss everything...

its easy for him to say leave him.. forget abt everything... move on with life... easier said than done.. nobody understand wat i feel rite now... nobody noe wats on my mind.. nobody noes anything... since from the start i was not being trusted by anybody... i tell the truth, ppl still could believe me.. nobody give me the strength.. nobody even give me a single CONFIDENT in me... ppl always think i'm weak.. ppl pushed aside my help.. ppl never appreciate my effort... nobody treat me as an adult... nobody even think that i got feelings too...

all this while i've been happy... i've been putting up smile... i make ppl laugh.. i make ppl happy.. i help them in their life.. i do anything for ppl.. but do they even noe how it feel to face everything n not getting any help for others... I've try to stand on my own... but i'm still weak.. i try to move on, but too many thing happened in the past...

my life is totally meaningless rite now.. my life is ruin by a guy named NASRUDDIN... not putting fault on him... but y cant he simply accept me as who i am... y cant he give the confident in us.. y cant he feel my strong love... y cant he appreciate wat i've done for him.. y cant he use all that to think everything all over again... y nas? y?...

i told u i'll change once we r together but u simply trash my words aside... without even give a chance for me to prove it to you... you totally dispiss me... you totally lose hope on me... you totally shutting us down... not that i want sympathy from you... not that i need your money... not that i need your entire life... i jus need you... you yourself noe how hard it is to leave someone you love... you yourself couldnt be sure if you'll regret with the decision... you yourself couldnt be sure that you could even get the same treatment that i've given u... so wats more do u need?...

i'm here been waiting for 4 years... giving you everything u desire.. do anything you want me to do.. i try to make you happy.. i try to lessen your burden.. everything i do, i do it for you, nas.... not a single thing in my life, i being selfish to do it for myself only... u mean so much to me... i could bare losing you tis time... forgetting you mean hating you... i cant bare to hate you nas... my love is too strong... i love you nas... i really do...

i beg you... please give me a chance... please give me the opportunity to understand n bare everthing with you... nas, i'm willing to suffer jus to be with you.. suffer mean nothing to me anymore... you r afraid that i'll suffer... u dun have to... i'm willing to face it... i want it this way, so i have to face it calmly...

Forgive me Nas!!! Please Be With Me!!!! I Need You In My Life!!!!!

Unreasonable reasons

i noe lately been having fights with him over n over again.. yah back to back, its me who started it all first... but who care... he couldnt be bother to even think about us...

i'm totally pissed off with him... fucking pissed off to be exact... for the first time, i talked back 10 sentence wen he only mention one line... sial ah... who can stand the process like this... yah i noe i'm being the unpatient one... but come on la... he change to drasticly... he used to kol me but now he dun... he used to reply me wen i msg him, but now he dun... he used to sae sweet words, but now he dun... he used to care for me but now he sae not that care la... can u believe that...

yup i noe i've been pressurizing him all the time... but dun put fault on me la... he's the wan dragging this matter not me... i want to settle it once n for all but he keep on keeping quiet without saying a word... everything i ask him to speak out, he say he's talking... n yah how am i supposed to believe that he's not enjoying his life... how can i believe that he telling me the truth... he's been doing a lot of things behind my back... he's been having a habit to keep things from me... n surprisingly, i got to noe it from ppls mouth... sort rite...

n yah jus noe he say, "u think la. even now, wen we talk suddenly you becoming like this, whats more if i'm with you seh"... ouch!!!! i simply say to him that i once said if sumhow i get back with him again, i'll change everything... coz the only thing that bother me is that we r not together... n even if i change its jus too hard to do so... coz i need sumone to support me... n you should noe how i depend on him in my life... n yet now look how's supporting who all this while...

frankly, i hate to have a fight with him, i hate to disrespect him, i hate to shout at him... but if he's doing thing the right way, i dun mind... but he's not... lots of things i've been keeping for his seek...

like wat he say jus now, den all this while i've been doing things unwilling la... its not that way.. but come to think abt it... is it fair... all this while i've been doing nthing to satisfide him... helping him his way thru... doing everything even wen i noe he can do it himself.... but does he ever appreciate me... does he even having me as his priority... does he????..... no.. totally no... he might have change but its only for a while... he only satisfide my needs for less than a week...

n now i gues i'll be meeting him this friday... dunno wat i'm going to talk... i jus want him to say things out... i want to listen... by rite i'm giving him till today or this sunday for answer on wanting to be with me or not... but i gues i could stand any longer.. .

n i gues this time round, i'm going to give back all the memories back to him... i dun need to be reminded by anything... he make me hate him, n now he have to face the consequences... like i once say it, once i hate sumone, means i really hate them... never can they be my fren... so i hope he dun make me decide on leaving him like a stupid fucking trash tat was never in my life...

Thinking Abt You

i can't stop thinking abt you... the memories of us together seems so fresh in my mind... like as if it happened yesterday...

the laugher we had.. the way you smile... the way i smell your shirt... the scent of your perfume + your own body smell... the way you leave me behind wen we walked together... the way i listen to your crappy jokes... the way your hold my hand... the way you hug me... the way you kiss me like as if there's no tomorrow... the way you make me feel so comfortable when i'm with you... the way i look in your eyes n starts to wonder ard... the way i got to hear your voice before i sleep... the way you sing to me... the way you pestering me to judge your voice... the way you think abt everything ard... the way you show your concern towards me... the way i make love... the way you complete my day...

i really miss all that... i keep on thinking abt you... till i keep on dreaming abt you... i keep on imagine my life without you... i keep on thinking what is it going to be if i decided to let you go... i imagine myself standing beside you crying when you are at your last moment...

seriously i cant imagine my life without you... you bring love to my life n yet you are not there when i needed love again... now you are simple far from my sight... first thing that was on my mind wen i woke up was you... wen i listen to a song, it reminds me of you... wen i walked out the door, i think of you... wen i walked alone n saw couples on teh street, how i wish you could be by my side... i envy those people... i once in their shoe.. being so happy... being so proud to people that i got sumone... but now i simply can't... so i jus make u as my dream lover... whereby i keep on dreaming n think abt you, but yet i never got the chance to meet with you...

surprise me even more, wen now, my bedsheet left a scent of you... so much i can eventually being reminded abt you... the time spent together in my room... wow! too many memories...

i may sound like i'm happy without you, but deep within i'm dying... i may seen happy with the smile on my face, but behind those smile, was tears all over... i may seem to be harsh lately, but it still hurt me to do all this...

i'm taking a slow step at a time... slowly i try to regain my energy in life... slowly i try to be the best... in life, i'll never give up you... so i wont give up on you... eventhough its over my limit... i think thru n keep on trying... i never regret with wat ever happen... eventhough it hurt to accept the fact like this... but i believe... every hard work will surely be paid off soon... when?.. i'm not sure... maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month, maybe next month, maybe next year... n so on n so for...

i locked my heart as the key is with you... i shut the door of happiness as my happiness is you... only you who can bring everything back in my life... my pride, my dignity, my happiness, my love, my sadness, my time, my affection, my appreciation, my respect, my everything...

for now, i'll keep on dreaming of you... keep on thinking of you... keep on being warmed by our sweet n sour memories... i'll keep on doing it... coz we both noe that i'm not over you...

Its been 1 month

exactly one month since i last saw him... this is totally a record that we have make... never in our relationship we never meet for 1 whole month...

Just Convincing Life

Never thought that life can be this hard to accept the fact that we have to be this way... no matter how hard i try not to make it happen... but sad to say, its happening rite now... the changes that i have to accept... the love that i have to kept deep within... i let my heart n love suffer jus becos i'm pleasing him n convincing myself that everything is ok...

Convincing n lying myself thru life was the worst moment i need to do... it really hurt me... it really brain wash my mind... Lately i've been thinking that he's been doing the same old thing that he once told me... Wen he didn't pick up the phone at nite, i assume that he's asleep... wen i msg him and didnt reply, maybe he's bz... wen i kol him several times without even picking up one of my kol, i assume that he's either bz or asleep... wen he hardly talk on the phone, i convince that he's either tired or maybe he's getting sleepy... all i can think of a reason y he's doing this is becoz, he's tired or bz or he's sleeping...

yah i noe he's not giving a reasonable answer... but nevermind... if that his kind of character, i jus have to accept him as who he is rite now... common la... if i can do it last time, fall for him even when he made a mistake... waiting for him for almost 4-5 years.. feeling the hurt, the pain, the happiness, the joy, the everything, i gues i can do it rite now... but its jus a matter of surviving...

i barely survive rite now... i'm trying to swim slowly to eventually reach to the shore.. eventhough i could swim properly... sad rite... but this is life... sumtimes up... sumtimes down... i treat all this as a challanges..

But let me tell u this, having to see or hear him changing, he indirectly have influance me along... changing for the good or for the worst, i still couldnt decide... sometimes i jus felt like i'm like him... sometimes i felt that i'm changing to be the goodilicious... haiz... jus another unconstant side of me...

taking this opportunity to thank him for the changes... you really change my life... you change almost everything... but there's one thing for sure, you can't change the way i feel for you... the harder for me to get you, the deeper i fall for you... strange but true...

n yah this song is jus too nice for us... suits the situation rite now.. either one of us plays apart in this song....

"I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you "